The last time someone told me it is so much fun to drive in Mumbai, he also told me the Williams Sisters were "FUCKING HOT!". Half the city is dug up, the other half has potholes! Probably the biggest challenge for Suspension designers, design a car for Mumbai! If he's a virgin, he'll lose it soon!
Basically before you even turn the ignition you wanna make sure your co-passenger is wearing the seat belt, no no, not for safety issues but you wanna keep 100 bucks more cash in your wallet from the pandus!
Anyway, you shift into neutral, turn the key and the engine roars to life! This is exactly the moment when you should feel like Speed Racer. Your eyes becoming narrow with only one target in your mind, reaching the place in minimum time, yes even one millionth of a second counts! Your hands on the wheel feeling the car, and you feel like pulling down the visor, just that its as hypothetical as the Mach 5! Anyway you rev a little, like its a drag race! Press the clutch shift into one and off you go!
Now if you wanna act all cool, probably impress the "LAME CHICS" on the road, you could do a wheel spin and change your muffler tip to pump up the exhaust volume. I dont understand how its a turn on for people! Play loud music, probably some badly premixed house music with a woofer, so much so that only the vibrations are visibly felt and the "LAME CHICS" would go "Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooott!"
The 1st obstacle you'll face is public transport. Mumbai's 2nd lifeline and its a big PAIN IN THE ASS! The yellow and black 150cc guys actually believe "YEH MERE BAAP KA RAASTA HAI" And they feel they're Michael Schumacher's remote reincarnation and they've been given a 7 litre Mercedes to drive. They're gonna come racing and switching lanes like Tiger Woods' frequency of having sex! Oh yes and it can get frustrating beyond boundaries! At that time you'd want you're playing GTA Vice City and shoot the hell out of that guy and bang his ric so bad that it turns up in flames! Then there will be cases of two rics covering every lane of the narrow road and you're caught up behind them! Ahhh, you honk your ass out but its against their ego to move. So the two will race until one actually beats the other one! At this time you feel you're a part of Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series and your fangs appear growling and giving khunnnus to the ric driver while overtaking.
From statics point of view, these rics are the major cause of every traffic jam that happens in the city! Everyone's driving and is in such a hurry to get everywhere, it feels like his wife is being banged by his best friend and he needs to get home before its too late! Too bad, probably she's even enjoyed it! And these guys are too space conscious, yes its good to have such an attitude in Mumbai but then you cant make the best use of it everytime! They'll look for microns, trust me, microns and even try and get into that kind of space revving their two stroke engines causing more pollution! And finally a crossing is totally blocked and you cannot just move out of it with the other guys pushing in as well! Its even worse than chaos! Its like someone scratching a blackboard! No wonder India's gonna have people with maximum heart issues!
Moving on, you finally reach a quiet street with a sign of no honking. Then you see a stray dog scuttling across the street, the inexperienced will honk their guts out making the dog feel so guilty about crossing the street. Yea well the case isnt really different with the pedestrians as well! They walk like they own the street, "KYA UKHADLEGA?". Simple, bang into them so hard, "PURI LIFE UKHAD JAAYE!". Then when you have to park the car. Aah, this city is devoid of free spaces! In a two lane road, one I can use for parking! Temporary, I'll switch my parking lights on. Job done. Then when you have traffic from both sides, I still wont budge my ass! Then 3 cars are somehow squeezed into it, you might even have clashing of rub rails!
Anyway enough of city driving. Lets move on to higher mileage options. The highway. Trucker's paradise! Last time I read a caption on Expressway, "Speed thrills but kills!" They should change it to, "Slow Speed truly kills without any thrills!" The minute your speedo touches below 60 KMPH you should consider yourself epic fail for no finding a way through. Oh yes, make the best use of every lane available and space left by other cars. Cut lanes, give yourself the Superman feeling! Drafting is an essential part of it! Keep drifting through the lanes until you find spaces and hit the throttle so hard that you get a turbo jerk! If someone told you never overtake from left, ask him to "FUCK OFF!". Simple and subtle! Make the truckers feel like you're Dominic Torretto and you're gonna rip him off by moving all around him just like in Fast and Furious. Supress other cars happily if you feel the other lane is going faster! Let them honk, you probably wanna show him the middle finger, just make sure you're going faster! Alternative option is from "Meet the Fockers!". Get a vinly made, "HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY!". Then let the little fucktard press the horn! Remember, every millionth of a second counts, so make the best of it!
Alternative factors will involve Best Buses! I respected them for their judgements, ultimate GODS! Even better than Aryton Senna! However they dont like when someone overtakes them! So expect them to stop in front of the road and wait for the passengers to barge into the bus to screw the leaf springs on just one side! So you probably wanna keep your temperament mild at this time! Others you'll face are amateur drivers! These guys have no idea whats happening around them! They'll drive like they're in some kind of trance, the one you feel when you see Megan Fox! They'll drive in their own Fantasy World and by the time they realise cutting into right wasnt a very good option they'll swing their wheel full left making you feel like that either the guy or the car is drunk! With a little more chauvinism, 99% chics drive like that!
So the next time someone tells you, stick to one lane, dont cross the speed limit, never overtake from the left, obey every freaking signal in town, just look them in the eyes and give one fiery look, enough to break their conscience down, sniff a little and blurt, I've read Mehul's guide, trust me!
P. S. - It might be counter productive with your dad! :P Cheers!
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